Ok, so I haven't done one of these in awhile. I don't really see the point in them, but I don't feel like talking to anyone directly, and the internet places a comfortable buffer-type barrier between people and emotions. You don't have to face them, look at them, feel their empathy, see the pity on their face... That sounds bad, but so what. I'm in a very strange mood right now. Part depressed, part pissed (no goddamn clue at what), part used (don't know why), and part hurt (but not sure by who). I'm the one people come to with their problems and when they need to talk, and unload their shit on me. I don't mind usually. A bit honored, actually, that they hold me in such high regard as to ask for my advice or my consolation... But nevermind. But when I have several people come to me at once, or just a few with some very heavy baggage, and they toss it onto my shoulders, just to get it off their own. I haven't talked to my girlfriend in almost three days now, after talking to her for half an hour after not talking to her for another three days. She was trying to ignore me so that I would forget about her because she thought I would be pissed off at her for not moving up here to be with me. But the reason she didn't move is because the day she was going to leave, her grandmother fell and broke her hip trying to get out of bed. And she was trying by herself because her drunk alcoholic of a husband was out at the store getting beer. So she tried to make me forget about her because she was delayed a few weeks. But I'm not the type of person to forget anything, especially if someone who's never been so close to me and touched me so deeply tries to make me forget about them my ignoring my calls and hanging up on me when I call on a different phone. I told one of the few people I open myself up to about it, and she demanded to have her number so she could call and straighten it out. I was fine with it if she was trying to end it, but I felt I deserved an explanation. So did my confidante. I made her swear to be nice and not bitch her out like she most likely would have done otherwise, and she called her, talked to her, explained to her that I would never forget because I would think that it was because of something that I had done wrong. So she called me back right after the conversation with my friend, and we talked for a bit, but she had to go to bed for work the next day. I asked her if she would call me this time, actually call me, if I asked her to. She said she would and gave me her word. For her to give me her word would be like me saying I promise. I take promises very seriously, and don't hand them out lightly. If I say "I promise you", Then it will happen, if I have to die trying, it will happen. For her, the equivalent is giving someone her word. Her word is like my promise. That was Monday night. I haven't heard from her since. Her phone stays turned off everytime I call, and the only thing I've herad from her is her voice on her voicemail message. I don't know what to do. I'm not going to forget, if we're back to that again. But if we are, why would her phone stay off, despite whatever number I call her from? Whatever. She knows my number, too, I guess.But still. And some might say that she;s got too many things to deal with, too many problems. Bullshit. She calls me to help deal with her problems. She callms me to help deal with stuff. She calls me and listens to me talk to her to get through it. Last week she was almost raped, and hadn't slept in two days and lost her phone. An hour after finding it, I called her and talked to her for an hour. She hadn't slept in two days, and just hearing my voice, she fell asleep on the phone with me. I want to talk to her, to hear her voice, to ask her what's wrong, and for her to get it all out. Because she has the same effect on me that I have on her. And I haven't talked to her in the past two days. Last time we did talk was only 20 minutes. Before that, two or three days. It's like not eating in almost a week. Not being able to breathe, not having anything to drink in nearly a week. Not being able to live. Add to that the fucking final I just took. I love the class, love the professor, but hate the tests. I stayed up as I have been doing lately because I sleep during the day, and studied for two hours before the test, and it wasn't comprehensive, so I only had six pages of notes to study, and I don't think I did very well. It was multiple choice, but he even found a way to make a multiple choice test confusing and complicated. And I forgot to get a scantron for it and had to bum one from someone in class. I almost thought I didn't have a pencil either. It was like a nightmare gone bad. Very bad. This whole week has been one very bad dream. And all it would take to wake me up would be one phone call. One little call. God, I want her so bad. Not for sex. I want to hold her in my arms. I want to kiss her forehead. I want to stroke her hair. I want to lay down beside her and go to sleep. I want to feel her body against mine as I drift off at night. I want to squeeze her tight and hold her against me and tell her as long as she's in my arms, not a damn thing in existence can harm her. I want these things, and I know she does, too, she's told me as much. So I can't understand why she's doing this again. I've only felt like this once before, but it wasn't anywhere near as strong and as passionate, and it took me almost a year to recover from that one. If she left me... I don't know what I would do. I'm going to sleep. I've been sleeping a lot lately. Time goes by faster when I'm asleep. I can't think about things. I just lay down, and when I get up, half of that day is already gone, and whatever is going to happen is half a day closer, and it only took a second. I like sleeping. My bed is my new best friend. Right after alcohol. Extremely large quantities of alcohol. For the same reasons.